Leaving the hospital was very easy. All I had to do was pack my little suitcase and wait for Siska. As I was wheeled out, it felt really good to say goodbye to all of the staff on duty at that time. Siska drove us to our home and helped me get settled on the couch.
Within a couple of days I had an urge to go for a short walk. It felt really nice to do because it had been weeks since I had been outside. My first walk was slow and short. I had no expectation about how it would feel or ideas about where to go. As I grew stronger, I gradually increased the distance, but kept a very slow pace. It felt good to be outdoors, and occasionally I would run into someone I knew and it was always fun to visit with them.
I understood I was moving into a new way of being and I began to contemplate the illness that had engulfed me. For many years I really thought I knew the best way to move forward as I became more and more deeply immersed in the many nuances of our New Equations discoveries. I really thought and believed that the faster I could understand the intricacies of New Equations, the easier it would be to move it out into the world. Now I realized something quite different had been happening. The faster I worked, the less I managed to get done, and my body suffered. The more it suffered, the less I payed attention to it and the less I was able to take care of it. I had been on a devastating downward spiral and barely escaped.
I knew that it was not easy for Siska, but her dedication gave me a beautiful profound foundation for my healing process. To this day I am so grateful for all that she has done, and still does, to help me. She took full responsibility for me, for everything at home, and our work. I was so close to leaving my body and we had to make sure I had the time needed to get back in physical and spiritual balance as well as I could.
Every day I had to be patient and not do too much. In the past I would have gone back to work as quickly as possible. This time I listened to Siska and took it very slowly. I spent a lot of my time reading books by my favorite mystery writers. I would frequently fall asleep while reading, and when I did, I knew my body was doing what it needed to do to heal. In order to be in the present moment with my body I had to stop thinking.
Although the television was right in front of me, I almost never turned it on. I spent most of my time alone or with Siska. I felt this would give me an opportunity to get to know myself better. The more I was able to get in touch with my body, the clearer I became about what I could do to support and assist my own healing process.
New Equations Music was, and continues to be, such a great help. It gives me a way to minimize distracting thoughts and the need to hurry. One of the first things that I realized was that I need to be positive about everything I think and everything I do. I could no longer hurry the way I used to.
Over time I began to appreciate that all the aspects of my illness were amazing wonderful opportunities.
After another bone marrow test, my doctor called and said the cancer was mostly gone and I could continue my healing process at home. I lay on the couch looking out the living room window . . .
Alan Sheets is the Cofounder of New Equations and New Equations Music.